Monday, July 5, 2010

Twilight is Stoopid, y'all.


So I read the first TWILIGHT BOOK.

See, one of my students wanted to read it and so I had to read it WITH him. It was beyond my control. Now, it was pretty much crap. But it was for 14 year old girls so I can give it a pass... sort of. If that's how it was, being a book just for teen girls, well, okay. But this Twilight thing has become a phenomenon for no reason. Adult women are drooling all over Edward and Jacob (but of course, that's totally okay even though the characters are under 18. Those women aren't deviants. They aren't lusting after Miley Cyrus, after all).

I don't get it.

But I tried. I watched some of the first movie and had to turn it off in stunned anger and confusion. I hate movies that try so hard to force you to feel some sort of emotion like those "tear jerkers" I hate to watch but my wife can't get enough of. Romantic movies do this all the time. Twilight is worse because they are playing with millions of teenage minds, giving them the fantasy of having two "hot" guys after them. It's the fantasy of every sad, unattractive girl with no personality.

I would have preferred they end the series with it all being Bella's dream. She wakes up and realizes she's still unpopular and that no boy would come close to her with a ten-foot pool. Then an ugly vampire pops into her room, tells Bella her poetry sucks and then drains her of her blood. Then an even uglier werewolf comes in and ravages her, telling Bella those fake goth bands she listens to suck. Then the werewolf kills her while singing Bela Lugosi's Dead.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Here's some movies that are better than Twilight.

1.) DRACULA (1931) Two words: Bela Legosi.

2.) HORROR OF DRACULA (1958). Three words: Christopher Fuckin’ Lee

3.) SON OF DRACULA (1943). Four words: Lon Fuckin’ Chaney Jr.

4.) DRACULA’S DAUGHTER (1936). Five words: Gloria Smokin’ Fuckin’ Hot Holden

5.) THE SATANIC RITES OF DRACULA (1974) Six words: Shit! Dracula Has Fuckin’ Biological Weapons!

There’s more of course.
THE LOST BOYS with the brilliant performances by the two Coreys.
NEAR DARK with one of the greatest vampire set pieces set to a Cramps song ever.

What else is better than Twilight? Hmm.. how about EVERY FUCKING VAMPIRE FLICK MADE BY BOTH UNIVERSAL AND HAMMER STUDIOS? Yes, even DRACULA AD 1972.

If I talk about this any longer I’m going to start getting pissed. Edward from Twilight has the facial structure of a circus freak and Jacob looks as dumb as the dumbest rock. Girls find those two wankers attractive? That’s a sad generation, I’ll tell you. If I was into dudes, I’d take elderly Christopher Lee over those two ass-clowns.

And werewolves? Pass over TWILIGHT and move onto SILVER BULLET with Corey Haim or any of the UNIVERSAL wolfman flicks. Hell, I’d even suggest THE HOWLING II which even has the aforementioned Christopher Lee as well as some gratuitous boob-shots of Sybil Danning.

So there's my two cents. I guess you can criticize me for not getting through the whole film or watching the other ones. So what? At least I can say I didn't waste my time. If you've watched these movies, let me ask you something. Do you KNOW we have a limited time on this earth?

Fucking Twilight. Why the hell am I even discussing this? Garret, what the hell did you get me into?

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