Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Does It Suck: Halloween 3:Season of the Witch

So, John Carpenter is rolling around in bitches and money one day and he decides another Halloween movie is in order. Because he needs to fill his bitch chamber to the ceiling with bitches I guess. But people apparently have had enough of Michael Myers and the avatar of whoopass that is Doctor Sam Loomis. If Sam Loomis and Upstate Man from Savage Weekend got in a fight, Upstate Man would be as helpless as some city boy who needs help to blow his nose. So, he went to writer director Tommy Wallace, who had a huge task ahead of him. "What do people care about?" he asked himself, "What scares them?" Halloween masks that make their head explode, that's what. I can't tell you how many times I was about to put on a Halloween mask and hesitated because I was concerned that it would destroy my head. Fuck apples with razorblades in 'em, the real Halloween killer has been revealed. And besides, who better to stick it to then the corrupt Halloween mask industry, the lobby that has been pulling the strings on Washington fatcats for generations. Next, he needed actors of Pleasence and Curtis level charisma. Obviously, the man to get was Tom "Rusty" Atkins. Fresh off his success as the lumberjack on Brawny paper towels, he was the ideal choice. His mustache even volunteered to doctor the script a little. For a leading lady, he choxse Stacey Nelkin. After her perfomance in Going Ape, it's easy to see why. This was all just a terrible idea. Offending the Halloween mask lobby and tarnishing Brawny's wholesome image made this a movie worth hating. Instead of watching Halloween 3:Season of the Witch, why not watch George Romero's Season of the Witch? Or listen to Donovan's Season of the Witch? Or use the Magic:the Gathering card Season of the Witch from the early expansion The Dark? It will destroy all untapped creatures that didn't attack this turn, which is pretty sweet. Why would anybody like this movie? Why would Jordan Krall, author of Piecemeal June, Squidpulp Blues and Fistful of Feet align himself with this sack of crap? Jordan Krall, I ask you of Halloween 3 "does it suck?"

1 comment:

  1. Yeah. This is still full of typos. I was really drunk and don't want to disrupt my drunken streetcred by correcting them.