When Vampires Had Balls by Nick Cato

When Vampires had BALLS by Nick Cato

When Dracula (Christopher Lee) managed to con a Catholic Priest to help him do his bidding in 1968's DRACULA HAS RISEN FROM THE GRAVE (not to mention threatening he'd also marry his niece), my young mind was alerted to the fact that vampires--while cool--aren't the "nicest" creatures out there. After all, they live on human blood, they live to fulfill their own darkest desires, as they are basically MONSTERS. The Dracula portrayed by Christopher Lee was a classy, intelligent gent who was always a hit with the ladies...but at heart he was the embodiment of evil. His cape was blacker than death. It didn't sparkle. He had BALLS.

The confused young title character of George A. Romero's MARTIN (1977) didn't sparkle, either. Convinced he's a vampire with a lust for blood, Martin (played with wonderful gloom by John Amplas) makes his own set of metal fangs, and being a nerd with limited seduction skills, uses an old-school razor blade to open his victim's veins. He lives and dies (in one of the goriest stakings ever filmed) as a true vampire. A vampire that had BALLS.
Female vampires have balls, too. Take for example Jean Rollin's FASCINATION (1979), where 2 lesbo vamps lure people into their blood drinking cult at an isolated mansion. Sure, they seduce everyone who come within their grasp and parade around nekkid, but they're not lovey-dubby multiplex skanks: they're high-class, gothic MONSTERS bent on doing what vamps do best...feed on grade-A plasma. Elizabeth and Eva (played by Franca Mai and the amazing Brigette Lahaie) may be a couple of hotties (especially under Rollins' killer cinematography), but like venus fly traps, their beauty is only a front. They're vampires with BALLS who don't sparkle.

And if you want to see how a vampire with BALLS can ruin your honeymoon, check out the 1962 Italian classic SLAUGHTER OF THE VAMPIRES. Dieter Eppler's portrayal of the blood-crazed vampire may be a bit campy by today's standards, but he wasn't afraid to ruin what should have been one poor couple's happiest time as newlyweds. As a bonus, our main vampire is killed by a piece of iron fence and turns to gray ash. Even in death this monstrous womanizer didn't sparkle...because he was a V A M P I R E.
With BALLS.
Okay...time to go hand some of these DVDs out in front of my local multiplex...