Friday, December 17, 2010

Bizarro author Kirk Jones on Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Kirk Jones is a writer in Eraserhead Press' New Bizarro Author Series. He is the author of the book Uncle Sam's Carnival of Copulating Inanimals, a book, which halfway through it, I can tell you is one of the freshest, most innovative damn books you'll ever read. You could wait for Santa to bring it to you, or, if you've been really bad this year (and I know you have, you sassy little thing) you can buy it HERE

Here is what he has to say about Santa Claus Conquers the Martians:

Only one thing can definitively be said about Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is that it is a movie. Whether it is a good or bad movie, that is a subjective matter. Here's my take on it:

Lines are uttered with the finesse of a cat clumsily scattering kitty litter over its shit in an open-topped box, in that more misses than hits the spot. In the vein of this simile, the dialogue leaves you with a foul taste in your mouth that resonates in the mind for hours afterwards. In that respect, the movie is memorable.
To quote the leader of Mars in the film, Kimar, "it goes deeper than that."
The ingenuity featured in this piece parallels that which must have been required to cultivate frozen ice in Antarctica. An example: the martian months, rather than conventional earth months, are reconstrued.

Elder: what time of year is it now?
Kimar: It is the middle of Septober.

Septober, which I can only assume is the time of year preceded by Nosober, a month in which martians, plied with rum and eggnog, decide to dedicate a considerable budget to terrible movies that feature multiple words spliced together to create a semblance of what martian language would sound like.
I should say movies that feature one word spliced together, because Septober is about where the unique linguistic and cultural attributes of Mars end. Strangely enough, though the Martians speak as if advanced millennia beyond the peon-like earthlings, they derive all terminology from the English language. Perhaps Im being earth-centric, however. But seriously, Septober is about as far as it goes in terms of drawing linguistic distinction between the martians and the earth dwellers. What's worse, their "advanced" spacecrafts look like toilet paper rolls glued to a Styrofoam plate.
With enough stock footage of airplanes to choke a horse, a slapstick martian that reminds me of the bastard child of Bob Denver and Gomer Pyle, a Santa Claus who can't decide quite how to render his "ho ho ho's" and martians that look like they have a ridgeback horse dildo attached to their helmets, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is . . . a movie

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